A lot has been happening in my life recently. A lot of things pulling me in different directions—a lot of things feeling like they’re weighing on me, pulling me down. Like they’re dimming the light in my spirit, leaving me empty.
When you’re not balanced, when you’re not present in the moment, it can be easy to feel like the bad outweighs the good. Like you’re spiraling, like things are never going to get better.
But, the truth is: Things do get better. God is watching out for you, for me, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when those negative voices live in your head, trying to convince you it’s not worth it.
Now that I’m on the tail end of the worst of it, now that I’m breaking free, I can finally reflect and start to see things for what they are.
A Test of Faith
My life is always crazy. That’s the price of being an entrepreneur, an artist, a father and a husband.
But recently? God has been testing me, pushing me to my limits.
Sometimes, you have to break past those limits to come out the other side stronger. More prepared for the next season of life.
I’ve taken a lot of blows over 2024. It’s been one of my worst years—both personally and for the SDT brand.
This economy has been brutal. So many shops have had to pack it up and close it down. It’s been so sad to see the toll it’s taken on our industry, even for a company as established as ours.
We’ve lost a lot of talented artists, a lot of people I considered close family friends. We’ve lost and gained studios; it’s been bittersweet. There’s been business deals, mergers, and partnerships that have fallen through—a few crises just barely avoided. Financial instability.
I’ve weathered a lot of storms this year. The devil’s been in my ear, telling me to sell the company, to give up. Feeding me lies.
It’s like I’ve been attacked from all angles—from ex-artists stealing from me, from Skin Design, to my house getting sold from under me—it’s been devastating.
It’s hard to stay strong. To stay undefeated.
But it’s taught me a lot of lessons. About life, and about letting go. And I know I’ll be made stronger for it.
The Weight of Words
About a month ago, an ex-apprentice of mine stole from me, from Skin Design. Something like that is unforgivable in our industry—it’s the number one rule. It felt personal.
As a man, especially growing up the way I did, you feel like you have to be strong all the time. You have to lead your family, your business, and lead your life in the way you want it to go. Constant grind, constant hustle—always working on the next best thing.
And still, I always find time to empower upcoming artists in our industry.
Because, despite life’s challenges, I know just how blessed I am to be here. It’s my responsibility to give back. To give those same chances to young, up and coming artists. To be an example to them, let them into my life, my family’s lives, and help theirs improve along the way.
So when someone goes behind my back and steals from me? It’s not just wrong; it hurts me. I considered them my friends, my family. It’s a betrayal.
When it happened, I lashed out. It was almost instinctual. It’s like I was regressing to the man I used to be—the man I was before God and tattooing saved me.
When Words Become Weapons
In the moment, I wanted to make them pay for what they took from me, from the company that gave them a name in the first place. I put them on blast. I felt like I needed to catch them and hold them accountable for what they did.
In our industry, without your name, your reputation, your art means nothing. We’re a community—we look out for each other.
So when someone wrongs someone like me, someone with so many ties in our industry, the fallout is real.
But, when I reacted, so many people were caught in the crossfire. I wanted to find him so I could press charges, so I used social media to get help.
But I didn’t realize just how much weight my words hold in this industry. I jeopardized their character and integrity in the scene, even costing people their jobs.
At first, I didn’t think much of it. I thought I’d said my piece and it was over.
But, ever since, it’s like something changed. Reacting like that was so out of my character—it’s like I jeopardized my own values, too.
It left me wide open to negative energy. It cost me my light. My perspective on life shifted. By hurting them in that way, I was hurting myself just as much.
There were so many ripple effects from that day. Everything that happened after, it was happening to another version of myself. An angrier person, a man less connected to God.
Navigating Betrayal
Things have to get worse before they can get better.
After coming back from a long work trip, our landlord gave us a 45 day notice to vacate. Just like that.
My family and I had been in that house for six years. We’d waited patiently for the opportunity to buy it from them. They’d promised to let us know as soon as they were ready to sell.
It was more than a house to us. Before settling into Hawaii, I’d had to uproot the family so many times. But Honolulu changed that. We loved that home, really made it our own.
We grew over 10 fruit trees from saplings, planted them when they were just under a foot long. Some of them took over five years to fruit—so when we finally were able to finally pick pineapples, guavas, mangos, papayas, bananas, lemons, clementines, it was so rewarding.
After long nights at the studio, having that little piece of nature in my own backyard, sharing it with my daughters, bringing Vanna home when she was born, watching her grow up exploring—it was peace for me. For us.
When they were ready to sell, the agent didn’t even give us half a chance to buy it. He made us jump through obstacles, made us wait to put in an offer, and brainwashed the owner against us. We didn’t even get to negotiate, no chance to make a counter offer against the other bidder. It was sold behind our backs while I was hustling to get everything ready to buy.
After everything that had happened, it felt like another betrayal. Another hit that I just had to take. Blindsided.
Except this time, it impacted my family, too. I wasn’t able to buy that home and leave it for my daughters like I’d always planned.
I withdrew into myself. I was less present with my family, with my work. The people around me could sense that I was hurting, that I was pulling away—but I didn’t know how to stop myself.
The timing of it all left me unbalanced. I felt like I couldn’t walk straight, couldn’t think straight. Like the thoughts in my mind didn’t belong to me.
While scrambling to finish up all my appointments for 2024 on the mainland, scrambling to finalize my book deal, I also had to scramble to move into the new house—all while my wife and oldest daughters are overseas.
I’ve had to cancel weeks worth of appointments, let down some of the people who matter the most to me: My clients.
I wanted, again, to lash out. To go into the backyard and chop down all of those trees myself, to get back at the people who plotted against me. I wanted to make the people around me feel an ounce of what I’ve been feeling.
Because, without the lights in your heart, everything just feels dark.
Battling the Darkness
Once you let yourself fall into that dark place mentally, the devil will seek you out. Try to trick you.
He’ll tell you that you want to make everyone around you as miserable as you are—even the people closest to you. He’ll warp your reality.
In that headspace, I could almost convince myself that nothing matters. That I should go into the backyard and take the trees away from the next person—because they belong to me, to my family.
But, I know that giving into that temptation won’t make things any better.
When I retaliated against the people who stole from me—it didn’t make my load any lighter. It just left me more lifeless, blindly going through the motions.
The Next Chapter
I’m usually the one that can keep it all together. But, after losing my positive mindset, it’s been overwhelming. I feel like I’ve been losing myself.
Usually, seeing my girls have fun is what brings me the most happiness.
Before this all happened, I couldn’t wait for them to go on vacation—it was my idea in the first place. My gift to them for the holidays. I was so excited for them to have their first vacation together in Cambodia and Thailand.
I was looking forward to my daughters being able to reconnect with their culture, to make those memories—even if it meant we didn’t get to spend Thanksgiving together for the first time. I knew how much it would mean to them.
But, with everything that happened, it felt different.
When they left, I couldn’t bring myself to pretend. To act like I’m okay, like everything’s fine. I know it’s been worrying them. My wife, even my youngest daughter, Vanna, noticed a change. They kept asking me—but I never knew what to say.
I didn’t want to show them the truth. Didn’t want to let people know I was struggling. It’s scary, being vulnerable like that. Growing up the way I did, vulnerability would be mistaken for weakness.
I kept reflecting on that day, sitting and thinking to myself since I noticed the change in me. Asking myself, ‘Why is this happening?’
I stopped caring about life, kept wondering, ‘Haven’t I done enough?’, telling myself and God that I’m ready to leave this place. Stress, depression—they took over me.
It wasn’t until I was left alone with Vanna after they left that I was able to really reflect on everything that’s been happening to me, why I wasn’t able to come back from this as easily as before.
It’s like my soul and spirit left me. I knew I had to find my light again.
I prayed, I cried, and I started to dig deeper. That’s when I knew where my negativity all started.
I was able to track back to when I exposed the people who stole from me. That was the beginning. It’s like I opened a portal for the devil, for demons, for all their evil energy. I let them in.
Now, I’ve had time to think. I realized that I have to choose forgiveness, make amends—not for others, but for myself. That’s the example I want to set for my daughters, my apprentices, and the tattoo community.
I realized, too, that part of being a man and a father is taking ownership. Making amends for your wrongs is the only way to set things right. I’ve learned that saying sorry is a sign of strength.
I think about the trees in the backyard of our old home, the ones I had to leave behind. How I almost let my situation get the best of me, almost took their life away.
But, after coming to terms with everything, I know it’s for the best. Letting them live and continue to feed others—even if they’re benefiting from the literal fruit of my labor.
That’s what God was showing me I needed to do. He kept trying to tell me—but, for too long, all I could hear was the negativity clouding my judgment.
When Freddy Negrete reached out to me – without even knowing my situation, how I’ve been struggling – with a Bible verse, it hit me. I can’t keep ignoring God’s will, His plan for me.
“Could it be that God is longing to show you His goodness, but you’re not seeing it because you’re not looking for it? It’s easy to become passive and complacent, thinking you’ve seen your best days. No, God has an awesome future planned for you. The scripture says His favor is for a lifetime, but you have to be looking for it.”
To hear that from someone I have so much respect for in the industry? It was surreal.
– Me & Freddy Negrete
“Don’t put your faith on autopilot.”
It’s a sign of new beginnings. With 2025 right around the corner, all the changes I know will come with it, I have to let myself find peace in the closing of this chapter. I have to do what’s best for me, for my family, even if that means giving people kindness and forgiveness they don’t always deserve.
Because that’s the path I have to take if I want to be able to welcome my family back from vacation to the man and father they know. The father they look up to.
That’s the path toward healing. That’s the path toward finding my light again.
It won’t be easy, but, even after everything—I know I’m built for this. Everytime I forget, God gives me another sign.
I’m ready to take it all back. Take myself back. Let’s gooooo!
Closing the chapter on our old home, but never letting go of the memories. Can’t wait to see what’s next for us.
